I'm curious as hell to understand what would make both cylinders fail like that at the same time.

No doubt.  I need to figure it out, but my back has been killing me, so I can't work on it for very long each time.

The dealership did reopen today, so I was able to drop it off there.  I guess we'll see what they find.  I'd normally do this stuff myself, but my back just isn't playing right now.